What Happens After You Kill Yourself
How life goes on without you
When someone considers suicide, their intent is to take all the bad feelings away. The emotions may vary from person to person. Some feelings might be loneliness, a sense of failure, worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, and not being understood. But if you accomplish this unspeakable mission, what comes next?
The people you aren’t close to
There will be some rubber-necking involved. They will focus on your chosen method, and tut-tut over how awful it is. Some will search for relevancy; seeking ways to prove they ‘knew’ you. One time you were nice to them in the supermarket queue, and they will inflate this experience to others when they talk, making themselves feel somehow involved.
Some will mention their impressions of you, and how it didn’t surprise them at all, because they noticed you were this way, or that way, and to them, that explains everything. Plenty will feel shocked, because you always seemed so… fine. Many will admit they didn’t know you well, but feel genuine sadness that you made this choice. They will show empathy and compassion.
Others will judge you as selfish, of ‘taking the easy way out,’ and lecture others on how you should have pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and gotten on with things. Because we all get sad sometimes, don’t we?Arguments will ensue, as some, who’ve had the same thoughts as you, will defend you, imploring the judger to find some kindness in their icy hearts. Both sides will remain unshaken in their resolve. Your choice to commit suicide will become a debate, rather than a focus on who you are as a human being.
Your demise will be a topic of conversation for a short while until they move onto the next happening in their lives.
The people who harmed you
You know who they are. Their reactions will vary. Maybe they’ll be genuinely sad, in a clueless way. Perhaps they will say, ‘good riddance,’ and go about their lives unbothered. Some will take this opportunity to seek pity from others and attention. They will make sure it’s a spectacular performance.
The ones with a crumb of self-awareness will feel guilt, and those people will be rare. Some will know exactly what they did, but will justify their behaviour to themselves, refusing to believe they have traumatised you. They will shake their head, flicking away all accountability, hoping the topic goes away soon.
The people you love. The people who love you
Your pain will die and birth itself within them. Every emotion you’ve escaped is now implanted into their bodies. Now they are the ones who feel helpless. Those dearest to you will feel misunderstood, as they wonder why you didn’t know you could seek comfort from them?
With that comes the worst way a person can feel they have failed. They will search inside themselves and their memories. What did they miss? How did they not see this coming? They’ll place every action and inaction under the microscope. Didn’t they spend enough time with you? Why didn’t they ask the right questions? Or start the perfect conversation that could’ve changed your mind?
They will long for you, feeling the powerlessness you do. Except their lack of power will be permanent, because this cannot be reversed. Those you love most will have no choice but to accept this feeling for eternity.
Yes, they will have happier times again. But in those moments, they will long for you at their side. Songs will play on ordinary, mundane days, providing a joyful, yet crushing, reminder of you. And they will live out their remaining days processing these emotions over and over on repeat.
Your loved ones will have other hard times, as is the way of life. They will wish you were here to talk to, maybe even cry to. With the loss of your support and love, their struggle will weigh heavier upon them.
The thread weaving through their thoughts of you will conclude that who they were, and what they did was not enough. Your loved ones were not enough to stay here for. They’ll believe they didn’t do enough to help pull you out of your desire to leave them. Those people you love for their absolute goodness will walk through life telling themselves they weren’t good enough in every imaginable way.
You know it’s not their fault. This was your decision. And you would never blame these dear people for how you feel. This was never about them. The last thing you would wish is for them to take any of this personally. Yet, they will, and any reassurance you could offer will not reach their ears, because you will be gone. No letter you write, no preparation you make for them will undo the abject inadequacy they will carry until their own last breath.
They will look at your photos with an outpouring of love, remembering how amazing you were. The good times you had together, your quirks, your sense of humour, your laugh that was food for their very soul. They will remember everything unique about you with fondness. But at the edges, the bitterness for the way you left them will lurk close by. It will tarnish every memory with one question: ‘why did it have to end like this?’
The things you will miss
Take a moment to think about what’s next when you decide not to end your life. I don’t know what’s next, do you? None of us knows what is around the corner.
However, I have had moments of suicidal ideation. I’m lucky to have never acted on the urge. But after the feeling has passed, things have happened beyond my anticipation. I can’t predict your future, but I can share what happened following my lowest moments:
- I fell in love.
- I had three amazing children.
- We bought a house outright.
- We found ourselves living in a delightful little country town.
- We’ve enjoyed many new pets over the years.
- I’ve had new jobs.
- I’ve made new friends.
- I have worked on my mental health, and continue to do that to this day. And believe it or not, although it takes time, it helps.
- I’ve continued to enjoy my hobbies and interests, and picked up new ones along the way.
- I have had even more hard times and coped with them all.
- The good times; the laughs, the excellent conversations, the love, has outshone all the bad times.
- I have discovered joy in the simplest aspects of life.
I honestly did not see any of this ahead of me. The only possibilities I saw for my future involved misery.
Your future, after deciding to live, will be different to mine, because you want different things, and perhaps you’ll find luck in different places than I. But the biggest takeaways I’ve gained from deciding to ride out the absolute despair during suicidal episodes are twofold. The first is that the feeling isn’t permanent. You won’t always feel this way. Better feelings, better days are right around the corner. Bad days will still show up, too, but if you can survive this, you will survive those.
The second takeaway was that people desperately want to help.
Desperately.
During my worst episode of suicidal ideation, the one I was most likely to act on was at the start of my sobriety journey. I had an excellent sponsor via AA. Of course, my wish to end things came late at night. I refused to call her, because that would have been rude to call someone so late, right?
That night, after much suffering and anguish, I made the choice to let my suicidal ideation go. I didn’t act on it, after all. In the sunlight hours the following day, I called my sponsor and told her about my low point I’d had the previous night. Her response shocked me. ‘Why the hell didn’t you call me?’
‘Uh, well, it was late at night,’ I replied. ‘I didn’t want to bother you…’
‘You silly bugger,’ she admonished me. ‘If it’s the difference between you living and dying, I want to be bothered! You should never have to go through something like that alone. I would have helped you!’
It may seem strange, but I didn’t know that. It did not occur to me I could request someone else’s time late at night to save my own life. In the clarity of daylight, I reflected on my loved ones. My best friend in the past had told me she’d talked someone out of killing herself.
Why had it not occurred to me to call her? Maybe I thought I needed my friends to think I had it all together? Was it because she was a single mother, and I didn’t want to add to her load? Sure. But in that moment, during my desire to extinguish my suffering, I didn’t even give her a choice. Had I acted on that urge, I would have made that decision for her, for all of eternity.
When she thought about my death, she wouldn’t have considered my actions considerate of her. All she would have seen was herself as the friend who was not good enough. Not trusted to help. A failure. She and I would have no more good times together, and she’d never have had a say in that outcome.
Share the pain now
I promise you, it will devastate your loved ones to know you’re having these thoughts. But it won’t be nearly as crushing as if you removed the option for them to be there for you, when you need it most. Their pain will be temporary, if you tell them. If you act on your urge, it will be permanent, and a much deeper, more unbearable pain to live with. Don’t trust that they’ll be okay when you’re gone. They won’t. Trust that they’ll love you through this pain. They will.
This is not a guilt trip. Because your suffering is temporary, too. Let those you love, love you through this. They care, and you might not believe it, but they can help. Let the people who love you be your escape. What happens when you don’t kill yourself, and let your loved ones help you? I hope you live to find out the answer.
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